2005-04-16 | 10:50 p.m. | Lesson
	It's nice to have our frankenstein computer back. So here's my latest news and other stuff: 1. This is the year I'm going back to school. I came this ------><------ close last year, and didn't go because I was employed...at a job that I would later lose because I became violently ill. Not this year. I've got a fucking dream already, god damnit, and I'm not fucking wasting it on some pussy thing like a job, man. (let me regain my composure) 2. My middle brother called me a month or so ago and told me about his life. He's got a girlfriend 10 years his junior. I mentioned the fact that he seems to be getting older but his girlfriends don't, and he agreed with a chuckley "fuck you." Things seem to be going well for him and I'm proud. The main thing is that every time he calls to catch up, which is usually every six months or so, he babbles something about coming out to see us. This is usually a threat we take as seriously as a slash to the wrist with the convex part of a spoon. But it seems as though he's actually gotten a girlfriend with her shit together, so it may actually happen...he might actually leave his house and visit people. I've had the pleasure of e-mailing his girlfriend, and she's mentioned that she's taken time off from work. But who's to say that he won't freak the fuck out, break up with her or have some work crisis and not show? I'm not the one to say. We'll leave this subject with "I'll believe it when I'm airing up the plastic matress for them to sleep on." 3. Remember when we got our cats Lumpy and Chuckles oh those many months ago? Well, they've been great fat-ass cats, and we adore them. We recently gave their smelly fat asses a bath. It was a hairy adventure, nobody got seriously injured, and nobody smells like corn chips stuck in a pile of shit. 4. My husband found a pack of my dad's cigarettes fully underneath the passenger seat of his car from ten feet away, but can't see the trash is full and needs to be taken out. 5. I'm looking at having to spend my birthday at a family wedding. In Canada. For people we don't talk to or really care about. And all because my mother-in-law wants a "family vacation." A vacation where she may not ride 8 hours in the car with me, Marty, and his brother and sister. I offered not to go, mentioning that I'd only "be in the way" and that "those people don't need to know me anyway" but Marty wasn't convinced. He thinks it will "be nice." What'd be nice are a few pink squirrels, rum balls and a winning Mega-Millions lotto ticket, but I guess fulfilling my birthday wishes is about as likely as getting a refund from a two-dollar whore. In light of the fact that I'm less than eager to go to this thing, I've set up ground rules. A. I'm getting a passport. We're livin' in a different world, and I might look like a buxom terrorist to Canadians. I'll be damned if I get an anal probe for the team because his family still believes all you need is a driver's license and a birth certificate. B. I'm getting those headphones that block out sound from the outside, and keep what you're listening to close to your ears only. That way I don't hear their shit, and I'm not expected to interact. With anything. C. We're not paying for shit. If we're expected to go to this damn thing without being given the choice of saying no, then we shouldn't have to bear a cost we cannot afford. And we can't afford it. We can barely afford to send them a "So you got hitched..." card through the mail. D. I want name tags. The engraved ones. That way I don't have to introduce myself to the dozens of litters of people in his family, and I don't have to be called "sweetheart," "sugar," "baby," or "Mrs. Marty's Wife" eighty-thousand times an hour. Because where I come from, if you want to remember the names of all your family members you don't have twenty fucking kids that all have twenty fucking kids of their own. E. I'm owed. Big-time fucking owed. I want to go to shop for tampons? He not only goes, but he's got the coupons for the best kind. I want to go buy stuff we don't need? Not only does he drive, but he's also carrying everything I want, paying for it with the money he saved by not eating lunch for a month, and giving me a foot massage when we get home. Blowjob? What is that? And why would I give you one for doing all the laundry after working 12 hours without my help? I guess there's a lesson in all of this, and not just for tha ladies. Guys, if you're going to do everything your mother wants you to do after you get married, then have a list of things you're willing to do in exchange for making your wife get caught up in your oedipus bullshit. Because if you don't, she will, and it's never pretty. ~Miss Mari	Last Next Older Rings Profile Calendar Email me The Land of Diaries

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